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“All
women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.”
– Oscar Wilde.
Good old Oscar - when he wasn’t catching Victorian
AIDS or sitting in Berkshire prisons misspelling the word jail, he did
occasionally come up with something witty and profound. What with that, and
taking it up the man-gash, it is tempting to see Oscar as a kind of 19th century
Tosca.
But that would be nothing to do with mums – and that’s not why we’re here.
Freds are fuck ups – we all know that. That’s why we distance ourselves from
them. Hell, why do you think that Al-Qaida go to London so much. Because the
Freds do. Freds love London. All those homeless people. All that dirt. The seedy
gay nightlife. All of this reminds Freds of their youth – and in particular
those cuntmouthed harpies that spawned them – their mums.
This then, is a guide to some of the
shitwitches that are responsible for the Freds of today.
 Petunia
Fasham
This moog-titted stain on femininity used to be a professional
wrestler. Breast-feeding young Matt up until his fifteenth birthday
(as is Fred custom) – she was brain damaged in a fight with Hulk
Hogan in 1988. She can now be seen ripping off her clothes, pissing
and screaming on “Gran Tourettesmo” on the Bravo channel every
Saturday night at 11. The show’s unmissable though the camera works
a bit shaky what with young Fash chucking one out continually whilst
holding the steadicam.
 Kinga
Rockets
Much is heard of Rosy’s famous father but very little of Ma Rockets.
Well just like Annie Lennox said in between losing children, “behind
every great man there has to be a great woman.” Quite literally in
the Rockets household, much of Rosy’s continuing mental health
issues are said to stem from her catching her mum giving Daddy
Rockets one with a home-made strap-on one afternoon.
Now a celebrity in her own right, Kinga is presenter of “mzredi na
juihhi” – the popular Israeli TV version of “Give us a Clue.”
 Coco
Franklin
Coco Franklin, inventor of the Paper Crash Helmet and winner of the
annual Golden No Chance at the International Cosmetic Surgery Awards
1998.
Not a particularly great mother, young Conor was starved attention
as a child. Mainly because his mother was doing stunt double work
for Jimmy Nail. Also because she nearly crushed his skull as an
infant with a well-meaning goodnight kiss.
 Lucretia
Speedwolf
Speedwolf (pictured here with his mum at the David Vine lookalike
championships) has more reason than most to be sympathised with. But
hey, that’s enough about Mrs Speedwolf! Just kidding , look at his
fat fuckup momma.
Lucretia sadly died of complications following a stomach stapling
operation last year. The complication being that the medical team
were so worn out holding her flab up for the surgeons that they
passed out and she died of blood loss, drowning 2 surgeons in the
process.
Speedwolf has built a statue in his garden to her memory. His local
council though plan to have it torn down as it does not comply with
current building regulations. Or, in the words of the local planning
officer: “…that estate is a fucking eyesore as it is without some
20 foot badly carved concrete ogre eating a fucking mars bar for all
to see.”
 Madeline
Tosca
Madeline is in her fiftieth year on the streets and it doesn’t look
like shes going to be making that much money this year either. Known
in her local red-light district as “airmiles”, Madeline has been
wowing the travelling salesmen of London for years with her
“charitable” stance towards the financially-challenged punter.
She’s very proud of her two sons, Tosca and Stefan. Tosca doesn’t
yet know that Stefan is his brother, so don’t tell him. God knows
how he hasn’t worked it out though. You don’t get two people that
ugly in the same postcode without genetics being involved.
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