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 10.
Ignore the advice of so-called ‘experts’
Many wife beaters will tell you to only hit your wife where
bruises can’t be seen, for example, the arms and legs. I’ve never
heard a bigger load of bollocks in my life. Imagine; you give the
dopey bint a good kicking to the legs, then the stupid tart forgets
and takes her jeans off to try a skirt on in Etams. There’s a reason
for pasting her in the first place. If the shit witch can’t remember
to cover the bruises you gave her for not taping Grandstand, then
she deserves everything she gets. Hit her in the face good and
proper. No one will dare believe that you would hit her in the face
– after all, you took 50 economy burgers to her sister’s barbecue
last week.
9.
Sex
can be a useful weapon
Once you've got your bitch
properly trained, you can use sex to reward or punish. If she's
being good, and hasn't burned the baked beans, gentle sex will let
her know that this is how you expect her to behave in the future.
However, if the trifle had her pubic hair in it, a mouth rape
followed by buggery with a cheese grater will soon let her know that
hairy food is not acceptable
8. Recognise that different
misdemeanours deserve different punishments
There’s no point in breaking the bitch’s nose just because she
didn’t get any Stella in for your mates during Match of the Day.
That’s more of a slap around the chops offence. No, scratch that.
She’s embarrassed you in front of your mates and made you look a
right cunt. Smash her in the face with a frying pan. It’s the only
way the bitch will learn. Having said that, you should remember to
reserve your full fury for major offences, like switching over to
Coronation Street when Top Gear is on, or when she puts red sauce on
your bacon sandwich instead of brown.
7. Don’t just use your fists
Good lord, there’s a whole house of beating apparatus just waiting
to be discovered! This is useful to remember if one has an event
coming up at which the stupid mare is bound to wear a dress, such as
a wedding. My wife’s sister was getting married a few years ago. A
couple of days before the big one, I remember being a little annoyed
as the stupid slag had recorded over the cup final with The Clothes
Show. I knew I couldn’t hit her because she had bought a sleeveless
number from Dorothy Perkins. So I shoved her ugly face into the pan
instead and gave it a good flush!
6. Don’t always be a shit
husband or she’ll run off like Tina fucking Turner ran away from
Ike, the poor bastard
Occasionally, it’s the done
thing to treat your bitch right. You don’t want her to run off
because, for all her faults, she makes a mean lasagne and the
bathroom’s always clean. Treat her like a lady and take her to the
local Beefeater. They do two-for-a-fiver, so it’s not even as though
you’ll be spending your beer/snooker cash but the stupid cunt will
think you’re making a grand effort. Just try not to smash her face
in if she expects to have breaded mushrooms as well as her main
course, the greedy fat slag. How does she ever expect to get rid of
that pendulous post-baby gut?
5.
Never underestimate the power of those three magic words
Those 3 words, “I can change” will get you some slap and tickle (all
slap and no fucking tickle). But seriously, there’s no point in
giving the old tart a slap about and then expecting some how’s your
father without saying “I can change.” If you really want to go to
town and want the stupid cow to nosh you off, try making her a hot
cup of tea in addition to saying “I can change.” But resist the urge
to throw it in her fucking face.
4.
Don’t do your business in front of the
kids
Kids are indiscreet little shits at the best of times, and there’s
no way they’d think twice about blabbing to some do-gooder lesbian
man-hater at school, through the medium of a shitty crayon drawing
about what daddy does to mummy, the little shit. Before you know it,
junior is coming home from school with a ChildLine sticker on his
lunchbox with Esther Rantzen’s horse face beaming up at you. If she
was my wife….
3.
Remember that it isn’t your fault
Or at least that’s what you want the fat arsed bitch to think. On
her more uppity days, after a sound thrashing, she might threaten to
leave you or even call the police. Promptly break down in tears on
account of what old Uncle Raymond did to you when you were a kid and
she’ll be putty in your hands. How can you
not
want to punch someone
that
stupid?!
2. Sometimes a surprise
attack is necessary
This is especially true when you’ve been married for some time.
Imagine that you have been beating your wife for 2 years, because of
the way she irons creases down the front of your jeans, making you
look like a bona fide cunt in front of your mates at the snooker
hall. Eventually, she will realise her error and stop ironing the
creases into your jeans. Then what? You have no reason to throw hot
oil in her face. Surprise attacks solve this problem and stop life
becoming predictable for you both.
1.
Show her the man she fell in love
with occasionally
As I said in point 6, don’t always be a shit husband. I learnt from
Trisha that women whose poor husbands hit them don’t leave them
because sometimes “he’s still the man I fell in love with.” Soppy
fucking slags. However, if you don’t want your dishwasher to run off
with the fucking milkman, I advise surprising your missus every now
and then when she gets in from work by putting on your wedding suit
(she won’t even notice that it’s too small) and putting a bit of
Barry Manilow on the record player. If you’re really feeling in a
good mood, you might even want to Brylcreem your hair a bit. But
don’t expect the missus to put on her wedding outfit. She wouldn’t
be able to fit her little toe into it, the fat bitch. How can you
not want to hit her? |
