Lord Charles Herman - Some Frequently Asked Questions

No one knows. The first recorded instance of the Fred is the encounter with my ancestor at his Gentleman’s club in London during the 1890s. Since then, my family has had little luck in tracing the source. We suspect Africa, particularly the Zanzibar islands off the coast of Tanzania. There exists the legend of the Popobawa, a particularly hideous creature that has a nasty habit of sodomising men in their beds.

Have you been there to investigate?

Lord Peter Herman travelled there shortly after the end of the Great War. Unfortunately, he fell into company with some untrustworthy blacks who introduced him to opium. His accounts of his time in the region are not to be relied on. Especially the part about ‘darkies with massive wings’.

Where do the Freds live?

Have you read nothing of my work? The Fred keeps a lair beneath the ground, be it sewer, cave, or abandoned bomb shelter. The food supply, namely worms, rats, spiders and woodlice is more abundant there than above ground. The adult Fred doesn’t drink water, instead preferring to drink urine, lapping hungrily at sewage outflow pipes.

Sounds delightful.

For some, it is a better existence than that which they have previously known. I have it on good authority that a certain arch-Fred was once held captive in a shed and fed only runny scrambled eggs. This accounts for the milky countenance he possesses to this very day. He was also forced to wear tabasco sauce as perfume, and perform degrading acts with golliwogs.

So, how can I go about joining the Fred bitch-nest?

I cannot, for the life of me, understand why you would want to do this. Yet, as a staunch supporter of the principles behind freedom of choice, I shall explain.

The Fred uses the homeless and alcoholic as his agents. Approach such a one and utter the secret phrase, “your birth canal smells like the tears of a broken child”. This will identify you as a potential initiate.

Can I approach any homeless?

Only male ones. With dogs. The Fred abhors beauty of any kind, and will have no truck with human females, even the down syndromes and the ones with callipers. Instead, the Fred seeks to corrupt the female form by removing all hair, distending the breasts using weights, and widening her cavities with foot or fist.

Yikes! Why would any woman want to go through that?

The seminal fluid of the Fred smells of lipstick and cake. No woman can resist these odours.

Why haven’t the Hermans taken care of the Freds before now?

As we were poised to strike, the Freds attacked first by means most unfair, involving a sodomite with hair the colour of rust.

I say! Poor show.

Indeed. The Hermans were forced to learn a harsh lesson: trust no one.